All The Goods / Food / Restaurants

Yes, I do in fact want fries with that.

My article from The Synthie this week:

It’s just not fair. Everyone is up in arms against McDonald’s because they serve food that isn’t healthy and they market to kids.

Come on, kids are smart enough to know they shouldn’t fall for that dumb “ba-da-ba-bah-bah” jingle, or the words, “I’m lovin’ it.” And of course they all know that Ronald McDonald Camp is where everyone gets bitten by snakes. If bratty little kids choose to berate their parents until their spines melt and their cars enter the drive-thru, then it’s their own fault AND their parent’s fault for not having spines of steel. Steel is necessary when raising children; as is spanking, yelling, shaking fists, and generally doing whatever you have to do—including letting them shove cheeseburgers in their faces—when they won’t shut up otherwise.

Those golden arches are the American symbol of gastronomy that has gone worldwide in a mere half-century. I mean, really, who needs to pay a bunch of money to eat at The French Laundry when McDonald’s has taken something as simple as the boring potato and turned it into a thinly sliced, perfectly salted and fried accompaniment to the mouthwatering and globally embraced Big Mac?


You’re all a bunch of haters. Here you all are thinking chicken was comprised of cuts of breast, wing, thigh, and leg and only capable of achieving the crispiness associated with its disgustingly thin layer of skin. You were wrong. The chicken has another boot-shaped cut with a crispy coating all its own that responds particularly well to friers loaded with GMO soy oil. It’s called the chicken nugget. Duh.

Let’s get started on fish. First of all, for you food elitists, were you unaware that Filet-O-Fish is made with sustainable seafood? That’s a fact. And what they do with it, well, that’s another fact that leaves you salivating on your drive-thru to-go box. You might also have thought that fish was comprised of only the following cuts: whole, filet, sides, and steaks. But again, you were wrong. There is another cut called the McBite and it comes in three sizes: snack, regular, and shareable. You are missing out!

One corporate attribute that cannot be overlooked is the fact that McDonald’s is highly sensitive to the culture they operate in. They don’t serve beef in India, but what they do serve is the Chicken Maharaja-Mac. That’s the pimp daddy Taj Mahal of fast food.

Plus, you didn’t hear about Guy Fieri’s burger with donkey sauce in Pulp Fiction. No, no. You heard about “Le Big Mac” and you heard it recommended by Samuel L. “Badmothafucka” Jackson. See? Proof of cultural sensitivity, while pushing American standards. Manifest destiny goes global, biatches!

McDonalds; two arches, five stars, no matter what country you’re in. Plus, there is no bra required at a drive-thru window. Perks all around.

It’s April, you fools!

(And that was all a joke.)


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